The Delaware Bracket - Round Two

Delaware. Hi, I'm in Delaware. It doesn't seem like such an exciting place, but this is my favorite Bracket and round so far. If these battles were televised, I would definitely be tuned in! In the first skirmish, we've got George W. Bush (#2) v Taft (#3). These guys are going to tear each other apart. Imagine: First W. will probably punch Taft in his man parts then run through his legs. Taft will take a second to recover, then body slam Bush. I can't wait to find out how it ends.

The next take down will be between Lyndon Johnson and Abraham Lincoln. Both of these men were tall, had huge noses and ears, could play the political game better than most, but lived inside their heads a bit too much. There are going to be limbs flying and probably some snot.

Finally, and admitting my bias, this next scuffle is my favorite. Harry S. Truman (#6) v Rutherford B. Hayes (#1). Both of these guys are BAMFs. Truman dropped two atomic bombs on the Japanese, causing destruction for generations. However, he was at a desk when it happened and didn't actually have to "push the button." And Hayes, oh man, this guy scares the crap out of me for his sheer bravery and ability to take a bullet and get back up. Hayes got wounded five times in armed combat during the Civil War. I said FIVE times! He, unlike Truman, was on a battlefield with not much more than a bayonet and he still fucked some serious shit up and lived to tell about it. These guys all have serious cajones and I have a feeling they'll do anything they have to in order to prove theirs are the biggest.

Vote:

#1 Rutherford B. Hayes - 19th President:

A lesser talked about President, Delaware-born Hayes was a Major General in Union Army. He was wounded five times (yeah, five times). Hayes earned a reputation for bravery in combat and was promoted to the rank of major general. His injuries included being shot in the shoulder and being thrown from a horse. BAMF.

v.

#6 Harry Truman - 33rd President: Truman is not someone you would want to mess with. He served in WWI as a Battery Commander and was able to maintain order of his division, which was known for its very poor discipline. He, of course, is famous for dropping two bombs on Japan - one in Hiroshima and one in Nagasaki that led to the end of WWII. Tensions during his administration with the Soviet Union following the aftermath indirectly caused the Cold War. With a record like that, he is likely to at least pull out a gun, knife, or nuclear weapon at the first threat of danger.



#2 George W. Bush - 43rd President: A former owner of the Texas Rangers, Bush was quite the party boy in his early life, known for having battled alcoholism and drug abuse. W. is well-known for pursuing a war to reconcile his Bush Sr.’s vendetta and there was some controversy surrounding his service in the National Guard based on the idea that Bush was given special treatment, higher rank, and a lightened workload due to his relations. W.’s early-life seedy affairs and waging an all out war under the auspice of American patriotism indicate that this guy would have little hesitation “shanking a bitch” for survival purposes or if they mess with his daddy.

v.

#3 William Taft - 27th President: Taft is the only President to also serve as a Chief Justice. He didn’t actually want to be President despite his predecessor’s Roosevelt’s strong grooming efforts who appointed him Secretary of War to prepare him for Chief Executive. Taft was a large man in deed and in stature, weighing in at 300+ lbs - he even had to special order a bathtub big enough for him to get in. His size and his determination position him well to fight the good fight, be it in a court room or in a Sumo ring.



#5 Abraham Lincoln - 16th President: Lincoln is known for his political savvy, intelligence, height, freeing the slaves, and of course being assassinated in a theater. He was mostly self-educated, and became a country lawyer and an Illinois state legislator during the 1830s. A man of many accomplishments, he also had much to tend to in his personal life, namely his clinically insane wife. Due to his preoccupations with Mary Todd and his notoriety for getting very lost in his own thoughts, Lincoln may not have been so focused on the battlefield (or in a theater).

v.

#9 Lyndon B Johnson - 36th President: Johnson was responsible for designing lots of frou frou, bleeding -heart legislation that included laws upholding civil rights, Medicare, Medicaid, environmental protection, aid to education and for starting a "War on Poverty." Johnson is also known for his escalation of American involvement in the Vietnam War, from 16,000 American soldiers in 1963 to 550,000 combat troops in early 1968, despite never actually “being at war.” That said, his own time on a battlefield was nonexistent. He may have been a man of strong words, but his deeds were weaksauce. Sending troops to fight in your war games doesn’t increase your chances of surviving when you are faced with actual combat.

The Point Pleasant Bracket - Round Two

Point Pleasant sounds like such a lovely town and it would be, if it wasn't the place where three more Presidents will meet their doom. The first face off will be against Theodore Roosevelt (seeded #2) and Ronald Reagan (seeded #3). I have to ask, is this even fair? TR and his big stick against Ronnie and his love letters. Reagan did survive an assassination attempt, but it's Teddy Roosevelt. Tough to call.

Second, we've got William "who?" Mckinley and George Herbert Walker Bush. McKinley is seeded #9 and is well known for paper pushing. HW Bush is seeded #5, probably because of his time as a CIA agent and military service. Mckinley served too, but didn't have quite the connections that Father Bush did or the knowledge of how to kill a man by staring at him crossed-eyed.

Finally, we have Gerald Ford (#7) and Ulysses S. Grant (#1). Gerald Ford, the Navy Coach extraordinaire, taught swimming, boxing, navigation and gunnery. But he was a coach in the 60s and 70s. Picture Wonder Years or Freaks and Geeks gym scene. It's endearing and maybe just maybe all those skillsets will allow him to outsmart General Ulysses S. Grant, the guy who was the primary force behind the defeat of the Confederate Army at Appomattox, the guy who helped effectively take down the KKK. As much as we'd love to vote for the nice guy, remind yourself who you want standing next to you on the battlefield.

Vote!

Ulysses Grant- 18th President: As everyone knows, Point Pleasant, Ohio-born Grant played a dominant role in the second part of the Civil War. Under Grant, the Union Army defeated the Confederate military and effectively ended the war with the surrender of Robert E. Lee's army at Appomattox. As president he led the Radical Republicans in their effort to eliminate Confederate nationalism and slavery; he effectively destroyed the Ku Klux Klan in 1871. (Eff yes!) Prior to his presidency he was a career soldier graduating from West Point. If he isn’t well-positioned to kick some ass in this battle, then no one is.

v.

#7 Gerald Ford - 38th President Ford is the only person to have served as both President and Vice President of the United States without being elected by Electoral College. Ford’s service in the as a Lieutenant in the Navy is impressive. He taught elementary navigation skills, ordnance, gunnery, first aid and military drill. Also, he coached in all nine sports that were offered, but mostly in swimming, boxing and football. The guy was athletic and multi-skilled.



#2 Teddy Roosevelt - 26th President: Roosevelt is noted for his exuberant personality, range of interests and achievements, and his leadership of the Progressive Movement, as well as his "cowboy" persona and robust masculinity. He completed the Panama Canal and helped end the Russo-Japanese War. A sickly, asthmatic child, TR grew up to walk around with his big stick hanging out.

v.

#3 Ronald Reagan - 40th President: Before becoming President, Reagan was an actor in Western films as well as in radio and television. That's not hardcore, but he was an Army reserve despite being nearsighted. As President, Reagan implemented sweeping new political and economic initiatives. His supply-side economic policies, advocated reducing tax rates to spur economic growth, controlling the money supply to reduce inflation, deregulation of the economy, and reducing government spending. It failed. In his first term he survived an assassination attempt, took a hard line against labor unions, and ordered an invasion of Grenada.



#5 George H Bush - 41st President H.W enlisted in U.S Navy following Pearl Harbor and served until end of WWII. Both his sons George W. and Jeb Bush are well-known Republicans holding or formerly held high office. He breeds “winners.” As the former Director of CIA, Bush was privy to the countries darkest secrets and how to get things done. AKA HW Bush ain’t nuthin to fuck with.

v.

#9 William McKinley - 25th President: Fought in the Union Army and promoted several times. McKinley led the nation to victory in the Spanish–American War, raised protective tariffs to promote American industry, and maintained the nation on the gold standard in a rejection of inflationary proposals. Maybe all of his propensity towards building the American machine is what led to an assassination in 1901 by an anarchist.

The Barboursville Bracket - Round Two

The Second Round of the Barboursville Bracket features the introduction of #1 seed "Old Rough and Ready," or, Zachary Taylor. He faces off against FDR, in a battle of brawn against brains. Taylor was an accomplished soldier who fought hard in war en route to the presidency, for which he seemed uninterested. FDR, on the other hand, was a brilliant tactician who engineered victories in the Halls of Congress and in the White House. He also had a wheelchair that could probably do some damage. This bracket also showcases an interested match up between #2 seed Obama and #3 seed Ike; will the 44th president use his cunning drones to take down his enemy or will the General mount an upset? Finally, #4 seed Polk against #5 Clinton should make for a fascinating to the end...

#1 Zachary Taylor - 12th President: As President, Barboursville, Virgina-born Taylor was lackluster. As a man, he was anything but. He earned the gentlemanly yet cunning moniker "Old Rough and Ready" based on a 40-year U.S. Army career that included stints in the War of 1812, the Black Hawk War and the Second Seminole War. His great victory as a man among men during the Battle of Palo Alto and the Battle of Monterrey during the Mexican–American War, most of which when his troops were severely outmatched. He found a way to win (kill), which is the only prerequisite here.

v.

#6 Franklin D. Roosevelt - 32nd President: It's very likely that the aristocratic FDR never engaged in fisticuffs as a youth. It's very likely he wouldn't know what to do with his fists if Mike Tyson were in front of him. These, of course, are considerations we took into account but ultimately feel secure in his #6 seed on the basis of two things: Kicking Hitler's ass and that, at any point, he could throw his wheelchair at somebody and do some serious harm.



#2 Barack Obama - 44th President: Yes he received a 2009 Nobel Peace Prize (weak), but he accepted the award to talk about war (not weak). He also decimated America's #1 foreign enemy, mostly using drone strikes wherever and whenever the fuck he felt like striking. Also, he will - and has - shot pirates in the head.

v.

#3 Dwight D Eisenhower - 34th President: Here's all you need to know (for these purposes) about Ike: After he attained the rank of General in the U.S. Army, he was given a title Superman would be envious of: Supreme Allied Commander of Europe. Something tells us, he knows a thing or two about kicking ass.



#4 James K. Polk - 11th President: A real sonofabitch, President Polk seems like he would cut ya for looking the wrong way. As evidence: He threatened war with Britain over the issue of which nation owned the Oregon Country. Then, THEN, when Mexico rejected America's not at all legal plan to annex Texas, Polk led the nation into war and succeeded wildly against our amigos to the sur. Just for good measure, he also established a treasury system that lasted for nearly seven decades. Those are all good, but this is amazing: As a 17-year-old, Polk had surgery to remove urinary stones. During the successful operation, he remained awake the entire time with nothing but brandy available for anesthetic. Get some!

v.

#5 Bill Clinton - 42nd President: Bubba gets high marks for governing the rough and tumble South (and for being the product of an abusive father), but we had to downgrade him for a series of non-muscular missteps his administration took, including blunders in Somalia, such as the bombing of a pharmaceutical plant he thought harbored terrorists. Clinton also repeatedly failed to capture or kill bin Laden, which is not very kick ass of him. When it's all said and done, though, no word characterizes Bill Clinton as much as Survivor, which is why he's #5 on our list.

The Carolinas Bracket - Round Two

The Second Round features one surprise and even more intriguing match ups. Starting things off is the introduction of #1 seed Andrew Jackson, a royal asshole who is the #1 overall see in the tournament. Will his grit compel him to victory over the glorious Thomas Jefferson? #2 George Washington is pitted against #3 Woodrow Wilson. While the former helped start this nation (in war and as President), the latter pushed for Democracy everywhere - a gutsy move in places that, you know, prefer other things. Finally, #9 JQ Adams upset #4 John Tyler and goes on to face #5 James Monroe in an match up that pits a Founding Father against a guy who already beat an Adams and for whom a freakin' Doctrine is named after. Have at it!

#1 Andrew Jackson - 7th President: As President, Andrew Jackson used the power of office to institute among the most heinous, gut wrenching and nakedly brutal act known as the Trail Of Tears. Under the guise of law, he decimated the Native American population by forcibly removing many tribes from their lands to areas less, um, populated. We could talk about Jackson's other assholish brawny contributions as President, including his opposition to the Second Bank of U.S. and doing away with the spoils system in the White House, but it's his signature brand of civilization obliteration that reinforces his #1 seed.

#7 Thomas Jefferson - 3rd President: An intellectual who was fluent in five languages, Jefferson was also greatly interested in science, invention, architecture, religion and philosophy. If this were a brain battle, this Founding Father would be tops. Sadly for him, though, this is a battle of brawn, a fight with fists (and weapons hidden under sleeves, we hope), and the amount of brute strength he likely possessed was directly inverse to the amount of smarts he featured.



#2 George Washington - 1st President: A fighter who commanded troops to victory against the world's mightiest army would usually grant an automatic #1 seed. He gets high marks for just about everything he did, but here's where he fell short: the wealthy Washington may have been a brilliant strategist and commander, but as a hand-to-hand fighter, we have our doubts he could hack it with the top echelon.

#3 Woodrow Wilson - 28th President: As a candidate for President, Wilson showed cunning strength by promising peace (read: isolationism) in the election of 1916 only to enter WWI a year later. Ultimately, his push for the United States to kick ass around the world in the name of democracy earns him high marks. Would have been higher had he not earned a Nobel Peace Prize in 1919 - an award that won't inspire fear in your enemies on the battlefield.



#5 James Monroe - 5th President: We could point to his aggression in Florida in trying and take over the Seminole Nation or his near-unanimous reelection (bad ass) as evidence of how he would succeed in hand-to-hand combat, but, really, there's only one reason we sure he'd fight hard: The Monroe Doctrine. Perhaps this U.S. policy is most responsible for our love of invading whomever we like wherever we like for nearly 200 years.

#9 John Quincy Adams - 6th President: A fantastic president who helped declare an end to the War of 1812 (weak), President Adams worked to expand American infrastructure (could be handy in a fight, but not a recipe for kicking ass and, thus, Weak) and enacted a generally favorable view of Native Americans (WEAK!).