The Barboursville Bracket - Round Two

The Second Round of the Barboursville Bracket features the introduction of #1 seed "Old Rough and Ready," or, Zachary Taylor. He faces off against FDR, in a battle of brawn against brains. Taylor was an accomplished soldier who fought hard in war en route to the presidency, for which he seemed uninterested. FDR, on the other hand, was a brilliant tactician who engineered victories in the Halls of Congress and in the White House. He also had a wheelchair that could probably do some damage. This bracket also showcases an interested match up between #2 seed Obama and #3 seed Ike; will the 44th president use his cunning drones to take down his enemy or will the General mount an upset? Finally, #4 seed Polk against #5 Clinton should make for a fascinating to the end...

#1 Zachary Taylor - 12th President: As President, Barboursville, Virgina-born Taylor was lackluster. As a man, he was anything but. He earned the gentlemanly yet cunning moniker "Old Rough and Ready" based on a 40-year U.S. Army career that included stints in the War of 1812, the Black Hawk War and the Second Seminole War. His great victory as a man among men during the Battle of Palo Alto and the Battle of Monterrey during the Mexican–American War, most of which when his troops were severely outmatched. He found a way to win (kill), which is the only prerequisite here.

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#6 Franklin D. Roosevelt - 32nd President: It's very likely that the aristocratic FDR never engaged in fisticuffs as a youth. It's very likely he wouldn't know what to do with his fists if Mike Tyson were in front of him. These, of course, are considerations we took into account but ultimately feel secure in his #6 seed on the basis of two things: Kicking Hitler's ass and that, at any point, he could throw his wheelchair at somebody and do some serious harm.



#2 Barack Obama - 44th President: Yes he received a 2009 Nobel Peace Prize (weak), but he accepted the award to talk about war (not weak). He also decimated America's #1 foreign enemy, mostly using drone strikes wherever and whenever the fuck he felt like striking. Also, he will - and has - shot pirates in the head.

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#3 Dwight D Eisenhower - 34th President: Here's all you need to know (for these purposes) about Ike: After he attained the rank of General in the U.S. Army, he was given a title Superman would be envious of: Supreme Allied Commander of Europe. Something tells us, he knows a thing or two about kicking ass.



#4 James K. Polk - 11th President: A real sonofabitch, President Polk seems like he would cut ya for looking the wrong way. As evidence: He threatened war with Britain over the issue of which nation owned the Oregon Country. Then, THEN, when Mexico rejected America's not at all legal plan to annex Texas, Polk led the nation into war and succeeded wildly against our amigos to the sur. Just for good measure, he also established a treasury system that lasted for nearly seven decades. Those are all good, but this is amazing: As a 17-year-old, Polk had surgery to remove urinary stones. During the successful operation, he remained awake the entire time with nothing but brandy available for anesthetic. Get some!

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#5 Bill Clinton - 42nd President: Bubba gets high marks for governing the rough and tumble South (and for being the product of an abusive father), but we had to downgrade him for a series of non-muscular missteps his administration took, including blunders in Somalia, such as the bombing of a pharmaceutical plant he thought harbored terrorists. Clinton also repeatedly failed to capture or kill bin Laden, which is not very kick ass of him. When it's all said and done, though, no word characterizes Bill Clinton as much as Survivor, which is why he's #5 on our list.